Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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