I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
