You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
