My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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