I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
