I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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