I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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