So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
