I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
