Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
As shirtless as possible
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
