I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sext me about skeletons
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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