i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
