I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
