So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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