I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize
