didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
