already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
ttyl tear gas
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
