I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
