you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
