Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
