sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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