Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
