Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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