I met the friendliest cop last night
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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