She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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