Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
