Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
