I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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