does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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