Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there's paper in my vomit.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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