I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
