I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
