lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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