Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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