You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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