I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
