There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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