i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
