i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
