Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
