girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
