Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
