I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
