Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
