the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
