I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
