Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
