my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
