Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
