I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
