my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
