Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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