i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
